If there were 2 manuals I wish existed, with clearly written SOPs, , to follow them to the T, with unvarying responses... they would be

1.  A Parenting Manual

2.  The How to manage Emotions and Memories Manual

I have a need for the 2nd one now.  

Today is the 5th of June

I realized it on the 1st of June, when the phone Memories threw up a foto of that day.  It was a group foto of our friends and us, dining at Copper Chimney

And in a microsecond, the events of that day, and the following five days, and the day after... June 6th the day he passed away and the day of his funeral .June 7th... the flashes of memory.. strike me.. strike me hard.  

June 1st, we had admitted him to the hospital.. this time more as a precautionary measure.  The fibrosis weakened his lungs.... caused him to cough incessantly.. racking his frail body.   Tire him..His odd cough through the night, as I heard it through the walls was reassuring.. that he was alive

I would wait.. to see if he would cough again.. is it going to be a bout?  then I would rush to his room.. I could do nothing but hold his hand.. prop him.. increase his oxygen.. anything to create an illusion that it would help him.   But  I knew it wasn't

He knew it too

 Sometimes he would humor me.. Sometime I would humor him.

I am not really known for my patience...But he was my father.. I am known for empathy. But things did get to me sometimes and I have prayed.. for his life and then sometimes also for a peaceful transition to the other realm for him.

That last time we admitted him.. it was a cautionary measure.. we didn't want to take a chance on his infection aggravating

 today.. that day .. he had been fitted with a pipe for food intake... he had stopped eating.. he would drift into unconsciousness.. in and out of consciousness.. he would accept a morsel,, when over the days he had grown too tired even to resist.  From the evening of his first day of being admitted there he had very surprisingly started believing that he was not going to come home

by the noon of the 2nd day he had started his hallucinations,, the light behind his head cast a glow on the tiled wall in front of his bed.. He believed that light... it was for him. to take him away... on the 2nd of June.. that evening he ate 2 morsels

next morning too  one bite

by noon he would keep the morsel in his mouth and drift off

the Dr said i cant do that.. he could choke

He advised intubation

i resisted

he was furious with me.. the patient would die of hunger

i wanted  him to live

i was scared of the intubation procedure

would i be able to manage him,

we did what  was necessary

i can hear his wail... of pain  .. at the procedure

tue evening // he was coherent

he spoke a lot

to my mother he said... we can be together only this long.. I am not coming back

and that nigh 1,30 we got that call

he was critical

 i rememembet that struggle.. when he saw me.. wanting to say .. not able to

and then he drifted

he was sinking they said

i saw him

he was peaceful

breathing

and then they said his heart had stopped

and i said what does that mean

and they said he was dead

one of his physicians had said 2 days ago,  why don't u look at it this way.. may be knows.. the end is near

today why am i grieving

he died

i knew he would

it was a matter of time .. a yr they had said

it was a year and a half

why am i sobbing like this

i am not remembering the father that he was .. for all the 50 years

i am only remembering the struggle and the events of the 6 days. as i write this

i do not want to relive this moment of that day of that yr.. or even of  this day last yr

memories.. should they be wiped out?.. the sad ones?

is there a way of handling them?

a prescription

the tears, they relieve some pain they had said.  yeah it helps some

talking helps they had said.. yeah,. it helps a bit

everybody goes thru this they had said... 

time will make it easier they had said.. yes.. but then there are days like this one

In his case, he had lived his full life. that will that make it easier for me they had said.  I believed them.. it had.. but then there are days like this one

Keep busy they had said,distract your self they had said.. but then there are moments like this one.

Sanity will return I know.  but how do I go through these next 2 3 days... when those memories resurface...

That year , at this time,  i was preparing my mother.  preparing myself

last yr this time I had had a bad head ache.. I wanted to run away from it all.. During all the other times he had been hospitalized I wld wait with him till 9  or even 11 pm in the night

that particular day, i had been a wreck

I had left at 6. pm.. longing for a hot coffee,  and some food..I wanted to come home.i didnt want to sit there  . so overwhelmed was I.  and then mom and the husband were there in anycase.

and then that call at 1.30 am

 

 

when will these memories release their hold on me.. just a little bit, ,,

 

Actually..should it be easy?

 

 i am still analyzing my feelings

do i miss him,, yes in that first year

then on occasions..

what does missing mean actually. i don't miss his presence every minute of the day... 

I can't bear to look at his pictures.. but that is  slightly easy to manage

turn the page.  scroll away quickly

 i talk of him very fondly too .. when sometimes we friends or family talk about him

no tears then.. no breaking down them

I had seen suffering and death earlier.  The Father in laws death was the first .. that had been difficult;t and i was near numb when the mother in law had passed away

it is on days like this... 

the events play ... replay

 

 

 

 

In