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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

She had  mostly been a docile person.  As a child, the docile one, toeing the line, never rebellious.  The teenage years were rather insignificant too.

It was not that she  did not want to go against the decree ,  or wanted  to be known as an agreeable person.

Words hurt, actions hurt,  but the middle class upbringing did not permit retaliation.  Confrontations and scenes were always to be avoided.  Venom was never to be spewed.   

The one thing that provided great succor was a piece of paper. And  a pen . 

The scrap would be  witness to the  outbursts.  But  once the words formed on the paper, slowly , level by level, rung by rung the feelings drained out. The sobs, silenced.

The scrap of  paper was soon replaced by a proper diary.   The diary of hurt, of pain and tears, she called it.  

She had once read somewhere, that anger and hurt has a voice....  Happiness brought contentment,   silence.

'Spelling'  out emotions was her way of coming to terms with  her pain.  She wrote and cleansed herself.  Didn't feel any emotion after that.

Friday, December 2, 2011

And When We Said Good Bye, Oh, The Look In Your Eye!!

He was a very good friend. Sensitive. Kind. Caring. With a great sense of humour.  Witty . A buddy!

And I hurt him.

I smiled more often then.... Laughed heartily. My smile - A POP UP WINDOW, he said.......

I still have the b'day card you made for  me. The good bye card you gave me. I still have the last letter you wrote to me.

Soon it will be Christmas. Remember the Tree we had put up , a fortnight before Christmas ? I was to decorate it. The only things that occurred to me, were the 'cotton' snow and a golden star. You were the one who made the red and white candy cane sticks. And the Snow man. Getting those blocks of Thermocol packing. Sawing them off, smoothening the edges and corners . And fixing them one over the other with pins to get a tubby Snow Man. I did not know that the snowman is incomplete without a rake and a bucket. You shaped them out of Card paper. A hat too. Painted the eyes and a cheerful smile too.

And that bouquet of red roses -' Roses for the hedge.  Like taking coals to New Castle ', the card had  read!  Confused me. disturbed me . It made me happy too. I tore it into pieces later.

Subtlety never worked with me!

The New Year brought good tidings for me . For you, misery!

That day , when I was killing myself with worry , feeling miserable and was sick, .... you came up to me and said , 'for someone who is so ill , you have never looked more beautiful'

'The new look is appreciated' you had said, another time. You noticed every change in me.

Even the ones that were not very obvious...

That call, where I was squealing with delight . Talking to my best friend, about the love of my life. You happened to listen in on that call.

I was at home. On a high, with joy. Waltzing.....and you called.

Your call was unexpected.... what you said was more unexpected. "I Love you"!.

I wish i had been more sensitive. Understanding. My words, less harsh.

It ended forever.

I would not step into a room, if I saw you there. Couldn't bear to look at your morose face.

Only you could come up to me and say, "you have no reason to get upset because of me or avoid me. I will never cross your path again". and you kept away. You went away!

Today , I was sunning the woolens and came upon a monkey cap! "Hey uncle, you wearing a monkey cap?" your class mate had asked your father. He possessed the same wacky sense of humor and retorted, "This is the monkey's father's cap!"     We all had laughed heartily when you had regaled us friends with this story.

I put away the cap.   A hint of a smile lingers on my lips.    The Pop Up Window doesn't pop open!