It is a month today
It is 1.50 am.
This day... last month.. it was at this time thaI had crawled into bed....
Only to be woken up by your caretaker
It is at this time.. last month that u had complained of breathlessness
you had been complaining off and on at home.. and then at the hospital
gudmarta...... suffocating....
There is no air in my chest you had told me
It's all right.. breathe.. kaahi zaaina... everything is perfect. .. I kept telling you. Ii knew they were false words.
I should have held you.
I was used to hearing your complaints. . I knew your illness would progress like this... in my fatigue.. in my confusion of composing myself for you. ,.. had I been unduly harsh with you anna?
A deep regret weighs down my chest
Each night... when the house is silent...I deal with the sounds in my mind.. the sights..visions of you in my mind.
Surprisingly it is of a fitter you,,then they move on to the ill you.. then the pictures of you on my phone,, that one recording... I cant bear to look at the gallery in my phone
I try hard to skim past them.. I do not want to see those pictures.. not that one recording. nor other pics of you..
I cannot bear the thought of looking at them..
I had thought I would not miss you.. You had suffered and I had prayed for a release fr you.
but I miss you
I miss your presence.
I hear a beep sometimes... something beeping sometimes.. and I tell myself..its your oxygen machine.. only to realize.. there is no oxygen machine.. and there is no you.
I feared this eventuality.. of the helplessness of nevver evvver being able to seeing you again.
I fear the recurrence of the tantrum I would throw... someone. .... somehow...... get him for me.... . one time..
...I fear a recurrence of that episode..
I am afraid to sleep .. I know I will dream of you.. I know I will wake upto that feeling of loss.. of you being beyond my reach... and that thought is unbearable..
I delay my bedtime.... tire myself out.. keep busy.. and yet,,
It is 2 am
In a little while... that day.. that call .. and we had rushed to the hospital
You hated that Bipap mask
you were breathless
in a wretched state.
I detest the ICU..
where they kept u away from me
you were suffering.. alone.. nobody to hold your hand... to reassure you.. with that false assurance..you will be alrite
I will be 3 am soon.. the time when I saw you that night.... you were trying to say something
I caressed your head..your forehead.. I told you...you will be fine.. and you shook your head vigorously... where did you get that strength I wondered.. that mask on your face..you hated the bi-pap
You were trying to say something... desperately.. I pulled aside the mask..What you said ..i did not understant
I wanted to...
But I was scared of the damage I was causing you by depriving you of the oxygen...
The Bipap was expanding your airways.. for oxygen to reach your lungs... Your body was frail... you were being exhausted.
They shooed me away..
I came back to see you in a couple of hours...you opened your eyes when I called out to you.. and then u drifted and then came back..
I told you I would look after her.. I told u to be at peace.. did you hear me??
