Saturday, December 14, 2019

Move on

Live in the present

Do not hold on to the past


I was distraught at the thought of  letting go of any possession which reminded me of you.

Infact, I collected every scrap, every bit with which I was able to associate a memory of you.

I now realise that even without the material object, you remain in my thoughts with the same degree of intensity.   

With this thought, I hope to let go of the last material bits of your physical self. 

I know the tears will flow.. why... my eyes are brimming right now.

But those tears will be of a sadness of losing you.   not the inability to part with the last bit of your remains.

and i will learn to move on

for the longest time. I have lived my life, primarily as your daughter. 

Most of my actions were influenced by you... unconsciously..sub consciously emulating you or following how you taught me to live.. though this may sound a little patronizing... but how do i express that there was also that voice which directed my actions..and each time there was me, seeking your approval, hoping i had lived upto your ideals.

Ideals... Idolisation.. oh yes.. I look upto people.. idolize them.. and then when they let me down, or i feel let down by their actions... i am shaken

you were an ideal person in my eyes,  and then there were times when i felt let down and angered..i failed to realise that my ideal person, my idol is human too.. with the frailties..

it was that easy to understand

i held a grudge.. well no.. but was terribly hurt. How could you..

                    
the one weakness ..that you could not assure , no.. that you could not reassure me of my status ..that you did not realise that I hurt. 

no

it takes expression... words,, not just


It is now easy for me to gain closure..

not hold on to a past

live in the present... not even think of the future.

Suddenly I know what i need to do.. without the aid of that voice in my head

My children will live their life.   free of that voice in their head

I will harbour no expectations

Wednesday, November 27, 2019

असणं  आणि  नसणं .. what a fine divide...


he was alive 
gasping
wilting
dying

But...alive


And then, 

in one moment ...


he was dead.


Never to live again.

The irriversibility of the situation..

Saturday, October 26, 2019

The Khaa Laadoo

Dhanteras and the day before Dhanteras was faraal making day at my place.

Chivda, shev, besan laadoo, tikhat shankarpale and rava laadoo. These were the fixed items on my faraal menu. then sometimes there was also the kanola/ karanji, or chirote, mysore paak or some such.

I am no expert at making these... but yeah, I am always super enthusiastic about making these. It had become a ritual and one I loved.

Each year, as soon as the first batch of shev, or shankarpale was strained out of the kadhai, or the first laadoo rolled, or even as the sugar and salt in the chivda was adjusted..the first person to taste it would always be my father.

He would have made 2 trips to the kitchen and teasingly asked me .. "What man....what are you making?" and when I had told him the items of the day, he would exclaim.. "ohh.. good good.! ":. and go back to his chair to read or write.

Soon I would place a small plate of some chivda, or shev or a laadoo , still warm, in front of him.
He would put aside his reading material.. 'hmmm mmm', he would exclaim in a sing song way. then would delicately bite into the laadoo or taste the savory items.. close his eyes and then look at me and smile.

"A little bit of sugar, it requires a bit of sugar".   Sometimes he would go on... " also one more pinch of elaichi"

For the savoury.." a teeny weeny bit of hing.. that would add that punch".

I would heed to his comments and sometimes not. He was a perfectionist, he loved playing the critic. And yet when he spoke to my sibling or my cousins, later in the day, he would unfailingly add, "it's Diwali in full swing here. Ashu is cooking these delightful faraal items"..and he would name every one of them and also add, " I get to eat them first. firrsstttt.!! " , he would emphasize.

From the faraal menu, I would leave the rawa ladoo for the last. The process was a little stressful for me....but the laadoos always turned out well in the end and has always been the most favorite at my place.. It was my dad's favorite kind of laadoo too.

And then there was the story which was always recounted as he ate that laadoo....


So........ it was the year 1989. I had a new job, new friends. A few of us friends and colleagues happened to visit a snack place, close to our office. . We were a motley group.

Me, aged 21, 2 other girls, around the same age and then there were others who ranged from 25 to 45 years in age.

My father worked in the same office, so they were his colleagues too.

At the eatery, most of us ordered our favourite batate wade. We made ourselves comfortable on the benches there, and my friend started reading the menu which was written in Marathi. She like me, was 21.

"Batata wada, Samosa, Boondi laadoo, Besan laadoo", she read out loud. and continued on.. "Khaa ladoo"....

She stopped reading and exclaimed... "हे काय , खा लाडू म्हणे . लाडू खायचाच असतो ." She seemed very indignant.

For a moment, there was a silence. and then another of our friends spoke out... "हे ना , तुमच इंग्लिश मिडियम, बरं का .. अग रवा (rawa) लाडू लिहिले आहे तिकडे "

And then there was laughter... all of us, were in the ROFL mode.

I reached home and narrated this story to my parents.

The years passed. I got married and then a couple of years later, as they grew older, my parents moved in with me... in the year 2005

That Diwali, I rolled the rawa laadoo in my palms and trying to stifle a chuckle, I offered it to dad, "here, Khaa Laadoo". For a moment , he was blank.. and then he guffawed...
"So this is it.. Khaa Laadoo.''' .... "ठीक आहे , खातो खातो "..

But it was a while until he could control his laughter and sink his teeth in the laadoo

Every year ..... the first rawa ladoo was always eaten with double the mazaa...relished... the sweetness of the laadoo, the sweet memories of those happy moments.

Sunday, October 20, 2019

When does one become old enough, not to miss their parent..

When does one become old enough, to stop grieving for the loss of their parent..

When does one become old enough, to accept that life is uncertain.. and definitely not eternal..

When does one become old enough, to accept that all life is mortal..

I am 51...not old enough

But old enough to accept, that it is loss of  a relationship I am grieving for.

Also, petty as it might seem... am grieving for  a loss...that which was taken away from me!


Remains..

The house help  was like a warrior at battle.  Brandishing her mop, soap, and a newspaper to wipe down the windows of the room.

I had disallowed her from cleaning the windows of this particular room in my absence.   In a corner, in the flowerbed , outside the windows, was a small bag which contained a box.  I did not want her probing or even touching that bag.

Mortal remains.. cremation of the mortal remains.. confining of the mortal remains to the fire...

Corporal..corporeal.. that which is of the body, material world..

Life  already  snuffed out.. it is the कलेवर . the outer shell.....mere mortal remains which remain  and they  need to be cremated.. effectively wiping out the trace of that person.

But then I still have your remains.. your ashes. .... bits of your bones.

Bits of bones... of that towering frame of yours.. You.. My father... of who I am a part.

You are no more.. Your body is no more. and yet of your existence, all I have... and yes I have .. are a few bits of bones.

The husband and the son had gone to the cemetery to collect these..

Oh I can never forget the sight of your feet as you passed in to the incinerator..  inch by inch.... and me.. almost hysterical  in that desperation... you are going.

You were gone already.. but as long as your body was in sight... to me ...my father was with me..

Aand then you were being swallowed in... into the incinerator and I remember my arms stretched out.. and a wail..

Those feet...the distance growing... between you and me and the belt rolled your body in...Call out to him thrice.. for the last time I had been told.. .. Annaaaa Annaa Annnnnaaaaaaa
and yet when I pushed that belt.. and you rolled away... Annnnaaaaaaaaa


The husband and son had  came back with a small box that evening.   of bits of bones of you...


....the hand, the legs and the skull he had told me...


I put the box away carefully


When the box was opened for the ritual ceremonial cremation, once again, my stomach churned... that was you in the box... I froze


We invoke the Pretaraj the priest said..

seek his permission.. blessings... for a 'proper ritualistic cremation'.

The preta... you..

you were formless now.... traveling a perilous journey

I fashioned a light for you, dhwaja, sandals for your feet which were walking on embers, seeking mukti...

With the rituals. you in your preta form were nourished with the milk and water...

given form and body with the pinda...

your father, your grandfather...invoked invited ..


You were merged with them..

And they took you along..

From preta .. you became a 'pitar'...ancestor.

Your journey was complete.



But what about me...

Mine was stunted in that one moment when I lost you

for all our differences.. for all our spats... you were my father.. my parent,


You passed away... and I lost you.


How apt those words sound.



Your ashes...

They are still your mortal remains... And I still have them.. and in their form, I still have you...

You remain  with me.











Monday, July 15, 2019

i see the little video clips of yours on my phone...

you ..sitting in your chair.. reading your newspaper..  the chirp of the birds in the morning.. the newspaper fluttering...

it feels like its early in the morning...

ur breakfast was probably being made..


then there is another one .. where you are talking agitatedly...making a point

and another one.. just smiling..

i wish i had clicked pictures..videos

it seems like yesterday...

one year.. all it took was one year

one year to drain every ounce of life.. and eventually snuff life out of you


and then there are those pics and that one audio

its nerve wracking..avoiding those ..avoiding chancing upon them on the phone..








Tuesday, July 9, 2019

I loathe this silence..

Life is going on 

 It is like the road diversions...

we are  stepping around and about.... 

gingerly..unsure...


The days pass by.. whether I  want them to, or not.


Your room is as before.. 

I have given away your  hospital bed.. and other medical equipment. 

but 

now it is a new 'before'
we relate to.. 


The guest room looks
strange without your
bed in it...

Your room looks unbelievably strange,
with your  bed back in it.. 
and you. not in it.



You... You are missed



I dread the silence of the nights


Saturday, July 6, 2019

It is a month today

It is 1.50 am.

This day... last month.. it was at this time thaI had crawled into bed....

Only to be woken up by your caretaker

It is at this time.. last month that u had complained of breathlessness
you had been complaining off and on at home.. and then at the hospital

gudmarta...... suffocating....

There is no air in my chest you had told me

It's all right.. breathe..  kaahi zaaina... everything is perfect. .. I kept telling you.  Ii knew they were false words.

I should have held you.  

I was used to hearing your complaints.  . I knew your illness would progress like this... in my fatigue.. in my confusion of composing myself for you. ,.. had I been unduly harsh with you anna?

A deep regret  weighs down my chest

Each night... when the house is silent...I deal with the sounds in my mind.. the sights..visions of you in my mind.

Surprisingly  it is of a fitter you,,then they move on to the ill  you.. then the pictures of you on my phone,, that one recording... I cant bear to look at the gallery in my phone

I try hard  to skim past  them.. I do not want to see those pictures.. not that one recording. nor other pics of you..

I  cannot bear the thought of looking at them..

I had thought I would not miss you.. You had suffered and I had prayed for a release fr you.

but  I miss you

I miss your presence.

I hear a beep sometimes... something beeping sometimes.. and I tell myself..its your oxygen machine.. only to  realize.. there is no oxygen machine.. and there is no you.

I feared this eventuality.. of the helplessness of nevver evvver  being able to seeing you again.

I fear the recurrence of the tantrum I would throw...  someone. .... somehow...... get him for me.... . one time..

...I fear a recurrence  of that  episode..

I am afraid to sleep .. I know I will  dream of you.. I know I will wake upto that feeling of loss.. of you being beyond my reach... and that thought is unbearable..

I delay my bedtime.... tire myself out.. keep busy.. and yet,,



It is  2 am


In a little while... that day.. that call .. and we had rushed to the hospital

You hated that Bipap mask
you were breathless

in a wretched state.

I detest  the ICU..

where they kept u away from me

you were suffering.. alone.. nobody to hold your hand... to reassure you.. with that false assurance..you will be alrite

I will be 3 am soon.. the time when I saw you that night.... you were trying to say something
I caressed your head..your forehead.. I told you...you will be fine.. and you shook your head vigorously... where did you get that strength I wondered.. that mask on your face..you hated the bi-pap

You were trying to say something... desperately.. I pulled aside the mask..What you said ..i did not understant

I wanted to...

But I was scared of the damage I was causing you by depriving you of the oxygen...

The Bipap was expanding your airways.. for oxygen to reach your lungs... Your body was frail... you were being exhausted.

They shooed me away..

I came back to see you in a couple of hours...you opened your eyes when I called out to you.. and then u drifted and then came back..

I told you  I would look after her.. I told u to be at peace.. did you hear me??






Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Of age old wisdom and the internet!

July 10 2017


Years ago, when the son was still in school, we attended a parenting workshop conducted there. The Principal and the Chairman were the moderators at the workshop.

At one point, the Chairman said, "dekhiye zamana kaise badal gaya hai. aap aap ke dada dadi, naana nani se kuch sawal karte hain, ve apne tajurbe se , uss sawal ka hal bataate the. aap apne mata pita se koi hal chahte, ve koi kitaab padhke aap ko samjhaa dete. aur aaj aaplog.. aap ke bachhe koi sawal karte hain toh aap google kar k uss shanka ka nirasan karte hain'

I had liked this remark of his, and this is all i have remembered of that workshop!

The son is now a 23 yr old, working in another city and is home now, on a 3 day break.

a fortnight ago, he had gone skydiving, and while landing, ,maneuvering the parachute, he missed the runway by a couple of feet , and landed in the bushes around there!

It was one thorny bush and he was bruised.

after about 2 days, he realized that one of his fingers throbbed badly.. the doctor couldn't find anything wrong with it. It was only on Friday as he was leaving fr Mumbai, that he realized a thorn was probably embedded inside.

Today I told him enough was enough and that either me or my father would take care of that thorn.
when i was little, on at least 2 occasions, i had seen my dad, remove a teeny weeny splinter or a thorn frm my finger, using nothing more than a needle. He would hold it over a naked flame till it was red and he was satisfied it was sterilized enough. a bit of antiseptic and a bit of surgical cotton was all that he used.

today i asked dad to take a look at the boy's finger. while dad was examining it, i decided to take things in my own hands and sterilized a needle just as i seen him do.

the boy decided to do the extraction himself and while the two of us were at it, the daughter came in laughing hard.

"Ajja is looking up youtube" she said.

we were amused but we had a job on hand.. probe, probe we went at the finger, ..and we got the thorn out. the son immediately laid the dark thorn on a small bed of cotton and busied himself taking pictures of that foreign body which had made home inside him.

Just then my 81 year young dad entered the room and triumphantly said, "there was no need for all this.. u should have just sprinkled a bit of baking soda on it. The thorn /splinter would have come out easily, I looked up the internet'!

i was smiling at the irony of the whole situation when i heard my son remark... that works only when it is a fresh injury!🙈🙈🙈

Monday, June 10, 2019

Pata nahi saal kaisey guzar gaye...time has just flown..'just do not remember' is an oft repeated quote...

Then there are the incidents I remember and then some more and then some more... and I realize.. a life lived in this life!

there are several things I would like to change if given a chance to relive my life.. no.. not the incidents.

But my reactions to them. wish I was a little understanding towards some..more patient, empathizing... those few who bore the brunt of my insensitivity..... but believe me , none of it was intentional or even with the remotest desire to hurt,. i was at a loss while dealing with the new emotions, and in that struggle, i realize i have roughly trod on quite a few feet.

I would like to rewind a few incidents enjoy those moments again... slowly.. not rushing through them...letting them linger..yeah... this I would like to do.

Thursday, April 4, 2019

Mitra !

They were colleagues at a work place.

 Less of colleagues, more friends.

One was a bachelor, the other - a married man with a young family - a wife and 2 little children.

The bachelor - from Karnataka. His friend - from UP

They shared the same passions - books.and theatre.

The much married friend, penned the plays and also directed them for the annual event at their office.

The bachelor friend, otherwise a very shy person, acted in every one of these productions.

The bachelor lived as a PG at Grant Road.

 The married friend, at Dahisar.

At one point in his life, the bachelor friend walked out of the PG dig.. without making arrangements for an alternative accomodation.

His friend, being the friend, asked him to move in with him at his house in Dahisar. The house was a one bedrooom kitchen affair.. in a 'baithi chawl' as it was called in those days. a row of houses..one attached to the other such that each house shared one common wall of every room with the adjacent house.

He was made welcome. The lady of the house, bhabhiji to the bachelor, served them a hearty breakfast of parathas ...garma garam parathas each morning. The friends now left for work together.
And so this happy arrangement continued for a couple of months, until the bachelor arranged for another roof over his head, and moved out.

He remained in gratitude.

Later, several years later, the bachelor friend married, had a family of his own, changed his job....He remained in touch with his friend through the annual Diwali card.

One year, they visited each other with their families.

Oh, I remember that visit to Dahisar. Dad's friend now had 3 children. The youngest daughter was about my age.

I must have been around ten, then. i remember playing with these 3 and the other kids in their neighbourhood. we chattered away, happily swinging away on a small jhoola fixed on to the door frame of their kitchen. Soon, lunch was announced..we, the children were served our food in the kitchen. I remember one item on the menu. Raita. the daughter pronounced it with a nasal twang. It was bits of boiled potaotes in dahi, garnished with coriander. Koshimbir? i asked. "nahi.. yeh Raita hai" they said. it was an unfamiiar term at that time... and 40 yrs later, I haven't forgotten it.
they visited us too. Auntyji gifted me a woolen jacket she had knitted, navy blue with little colorful squares knitted in a warm cream, peach and light blue squares. a sleeveless jacket. The oldest daughter gave me a doll. it had a gown fashioned out of circles cut out of sponge, and pinched at intervals with glittering bead,

As a child, i had often observed my father open a slim suitcase and fondly open a small envelope. It contained little black and white pictures of my father in the various characters he had portrayed on stage, during his stint at his first work place.

and there were 2 group photographs. ..amongst the many young men in these 2 photographs , was dad's friend. Mr Dixit. A dapper Mr Dixit.. My father would tell us - me and my mother - about 'those ' days.. and he never failed to express his gratefulness for that young couple, who welcomed him into their home

Decades passed and the annual ritual of the greeting card, continued...until one year my father decided that he would discontinue the practice. this also became the point when the families lost touch with each other.

We often spoke about the Dixit family, recalled those happy memories, but somehow never got around to visiting or even calling them up.

My father is now in his eighties. Physically weak..Bed bound. We have a wardboy who comes in to help us look after him.

One particular helper, hailed from Virar. He had been working at assisting a senior citizen in Dahisar he had told us.

Dahisar. My father immediately was nostalgic. His illness had made him a dull man, with absolutely no interest in things around him. And yet, when he heard about Dahisar, he began conversing with the wardboy.

Any activity, even speaking, leaves my father gasping for breath. yet there he was... recounting.. 'Mazha ek mitra hota... Dikshit ..dahisar la rahayche. station javal" and suddenly my father was sharing the address details. He remembered the name of the wadi, the locality, the house number. He asked the wardboy - do you know this place? would you go and look for this address?

He was now animatedly telling us of the garma garam parathas bhabhi ji cooked. naram rotis, phulke...

we were taken aback.... such clarity of thought.. voice...

at every meal...breakfast lunch dinner, he didn't eat a morsel without mentioning bhabhiji, and the rotis.

then one day he asked me to locate his friend.

our telephone book at home, no longer had his contact. my father gave me his full name. I looked up the online telephone MTNL directory.. No, i was unable to find him

And then one day, google threw up a search result. the name tallied... the address tallied. I got one mobile number and one landline number. this was at 2 am . i was too excited to sleep and eagerly waited for the morning when i could share this with my father and then also contact the Dixxit family.

The next morning turned out be a busy one and it was only in the evening that i remembered.
the mobile number was an invalid one, but the landline - yes... it was Mr Dixit Jr who replied.
introductions were made and the moment i said I am Hegde's daughter... the voice turned into a joyous one...Kitne saalon se mummy aur pitaji soch rahe hain.. "Yeh Hegde kahaan chaley gaya..."
He handed over the phone to his father and our parents spoke... after nearly 30 years.
"Aapke haathon ki roti badi yaad aati hai" said my dad to Mrs Dixit.

addresses were exchanged..promises to meet soon were made.

and within a week we received a call... they would be visiting us the next evening.

i had known that dad's friend, was unable to walk easily. 'papa chal nahi paatey'' was what the son had told me. i had assumed that it would be Auntyji and her children who would visit us
imagine my astonishment as i saw a very elderly gentleman in the front seat of a cab, as it pulled in front of my building. Dixit Uncelji... 93 years of age, had travelled all the way from Dahisar. He shuffled around , bent over a walker. His wife, came out of the cab, moving her hands... for something to hold on to... i realised she couldnt see clearly..
once we entered our home, she mentioned... she had lost her vision... both eyes. Uncle D, was heard of hearing..

and yet... that afternoon, they had travelled that distance, to meet one friend. ''Inhonein yaad kiya humko...humne aanaa hee tha' said Aunty D.

She is very friendly, and great at conversation. It was she who led the conversation that day
they couldn't wait to see my father...

those were emotional moments.. as they met...

my father - bad of vision, great of hearing

auntyji...with no vision.

uncle jee who has difficluty walking... hard of hearing.. his eyes - as grey as his hair. ..

the three met... My father lying in his bed held out both his hands... his eyes glistening with tears...in a broken voice,,,,.. in his very broken hindi... main aapko bahut yaad kia..
 ..
uncle D with his very unsteady hands. afflicted with a tremor.. held my dad;s hands. the aunty jee flaying her hands in the air, managed to find my fathers hands and holding them tight said.. 'dekho.. aakhir mil hee gaye hum sab'.

in all the 3 hours that they spent with us, my father in a quivering voice, with great effort, spoke only 3 sentences... aapke haath ki roti aur parathe yaad aatey the... humne kitne natak mein saath mein kaam kia. har railway week... gaye woh din, gaye! he must have repeated these 3 sentences at least 30 times.

Aunty D had thoughtfully brought puranpolis for my father. 'aap fone par roti ki baat kar rahe the,,,roti nahi par puran poli laayi hoon aap k liye'

Later we moved my father to the drawing room as we served some refreshments. My father settled in a chair next to his friend. My father cannot sit up for long. yet in those 10 minutes that they sat together, the 93 year old was constantly patting his friends back in a gentle rhythm. my 83 year old father held on to his other hand , as firmly as he could.

The black and white pictures, from that envelope in that slim black suitcase, were now in a proper album. our familes ,had a good time revisiting those times.

we made for a jolly group around the dining table that evening. 3 generations from both families... the 2 friends and their spouses, their children and grandchildren.

That night my father had the most contented expression on his face.

i could not but marvel at the magical .almost surreal moments that we had experienced that evening.

i am in awe of the Dixit family... who promptly fulfilled the promise... Those weren't empty words when they uttered the ' jald hi miltey hain!'

I am in awe of the friendship... of the bond they shared.

I am in awe of that gentleman and his wife, who did not let a physical disability , old age ... come in the way.

not many words were exchanged between the two friends, that evening.. but every glance was filled with affection.. every touch, the hands held... weak.. yet trying to pass on and draw strength from each other. the gentle patting.. they savored each others company that evening. Happy to have each other around once again.